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Letters from children of alienation

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My Story : My parents devorced when I was 17, I was the eldest child. My mother confided in me as a grown up and I always listened to what she told me. Now that I'm 40 I can see that it made me feel needed and loved. In a subtle way I was pulled more to her than to my dad. A few years ago I was very ill. When I woke from a coma I saw my dad. I will never forget the joy in his eyes and since than our contact is better then ever. Lord I've missed him. Some years ago I met a divorced man with two children, age 13 en 15. He had a good contact with his ex-wife and I could honestly say I liked her as a person as well. The children stay with us half a week and the other half with their mum and new partner. In my experience the ex-wife is very subtle in alienating the children from their dad. She kind of 'sits' on them. When they are with us she calls them 10 times a day. When they have an argument with their dad, you hear them use her words. She plans holidays with them a year in advance. Last week the eldest had an argument with her dad. The girl ran to her mum and since then she is staying with her mum. I doubt if she's coming back and I feel as if she is subtly brainwashed. Her father can't do anything good in her eyes as he can't do anything good in his ex-wife's eyes. She is in pain, my husband is in paind and the other child suffers from the tension. The only person who benefits is the ex-wife who has her daughter full time. I feel helpless. I can see the girl drifting away. I want to do something, talk to her, I don't know what. But she is 16 now, she wants to stay with her mum and she refuses contact.

My Story : My story has current pain attached. When my parents divorced when I was 8 (I'm now 28), my mother went into shock. I took care of the family, my younger brother (now 26) and sister (now 21). Shortly thereafter my mother started claiming that my dad left because of us, that he was abusive to women, that he withheld money and that he never loved us. Is there any truth in this? Maybe with the money. However, my close relationship to my Dad testifies to the contrary. The sad part of this story is my brother, who still hates my dad. At 26, I swear he channels my mother. He says his children will never know their grandfather. I'm still hurt and confused by all of this. I love my mother. She did raise me, and there were some good times. It's just the hurt is more prominent. She still like to disparage my father and recently made me chose between her and my father's new fiance. It took my Dad 20 years to move on because he was scared of alienating us. I'll be damned if I side with her anymore- although, for the sake of my progeny, I want contact with my mother. I have full faith she will be a great grandmother. What is the solution? I want to heal my brother's pain, I want a relationship with my mom. Is any of this even possible?

Re: My story

I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that we truly empathize with parents' situation and probably from a wide variety of perspectives. While I can't speak to physical abuse I can speak as a child of PAS.

Children are a lot more sophisticated than we often give them credit for. They know, at least emotionally, where they are safe, where they are not and who they can trust. What they don't know always is how to make the not safe situation better so they rely, naturally, on the parents to tell them how. My mother, even 21 years after her divorce of my father, still crowns him as the greatest demon who ever lived. Hers was also to move the spotlight away from her own behavior and not take responsibility. And, yes, there was even a time when I was cornered by Social Services and poor Dad received a visit from them.  At the time I hadn't reported any abuse, but Dad and I had been wrestling the night before, I fell off the chair and bruised my leg significantly. By the time I left the high school nurses office I was convinced that only a really bad man would have let that happen to me. In hindsight, I know that my mom has emotional problems too big for me to fix and
too big for her to control. I still care for her and love her, but don't really take too much of what she says seriously. My Dad and I still have a pretty close relationship. To make a short story long - hang in there - stay strong for your children and help remind them that they have specific talents and gifts that make them special, that make them worth any effort.

My Story : Hello, my name is Y. H. and I have been a PAS survivor for the past sixteen years. My mother would be pleased to read my message after living through eleven painful years of silence from me because she never stopped hoping, calling and sending us little reminders for her love. Her devotion to us knew no limits and so to my gratitude to her and sorrow for my younger sister who remained silenced until my mother's death on August 12, 1998. "I love you mama"~

My Story : I am a 15 year old boy, my father who abused me constantly took my mom to court accusing her of this alienation thing. What he failed to see was that he was the one alienating me by being mean to me all the time. He hit me, cussed me, withheld food from me, would not let me leave the yard to play with the kids in the neighborhood, called me a liar, called my mom bad names all the time, told me she was gonna go to jail. He wouldn't see that his behavior is why I didn't want to be with him. I hate him for what he has done to me and my mom. Now that is what I call a true alienator.

***Comment from Parental Alienation Awareness

If a parent's behavior is truly as stated in this story, then this is not an example of Parental Alienation Syndrome, but, rather, a situation where the parent themselves, is self-alienating. When a parent has been shown to be abusive or neglectful, they should not be the caretakers of the child. True PAS occurs when the "accused" parent is, in actuality, a loving and involved parent, with no history of abuse or neglect. The "reality" of a situation such as denigration of a loving parent by the child,  is seen only in the eyes of the child who has been "taught" to believe such. That, then, would be a true example of PAS.



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