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Letters from children of alienation

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My Story : My mom grew up, herself, the daughter of an abusive father, who basically targeted her mom and brothers, not so much her, but I've always thought her behavior came from that. Anyways, her thing was that she would always explain to my sister and I that my father had not sent any child support money, and this was usually when she was angry at us or on a tyrade and would kind of make it seem like it was our fault b/c she needed the money to support us and that therefore we were a lot of trouble. The other thing she would do would be when she was mad at us or we were in a fight, she would say, "well just go live with your father then, why don't you." This was usually after she had made it clear that he really didn't want our family, and so was suggesting that we go live with someone who didn't want us. A lot of times she would have a snide comment to make about him. She liked it when we said negative things about our visit w/ him. She was perceptively defensive when we would say we had a good time or anything positive. Or she might say "good, I'm glad you had a good time, but we knew that wasn't really the truth. I am 35 yo, and to this day, it is the same way. For the most part, I have learned to forgive my father for his part in their divorce. My mom, I don't think is even aware or would really even admit fault in her behavior as she practices denial a lot. I guess I feel sorry for her for what she has gone through and witnessed as a child growing up; she has never recieved counseling for her childhood. I know that is off the subject, but I think if she had been less-mentally-scarred as a child, she probably could have been a better parent. Don't get me wrong--I am really sorry for what my sister and I endured under her authority, and in fact, I wonder and hope that it will not effect me as I raise my two young children ( I am married). Sometimes I feel very hostile toward my oldest, and I don't know where the hostility comes from, b/c that is not the way I want to be.

My Story : When I was about 8 my parents decided to get a divorce. We were living in the US but my mother was originally from England and she wanted to be close to her family so my sister, mother and I moved to England while my dad stayed in America. As time went by my mother would tell me a number of things like that daddy wanted a divorce because we were getting in the way of his work. I was also told that my mother thought he had been having an affair and that he made us move to England so he wouldnt have to pay as much child support or have to see us as often. She had her ways of making me hate my dad, i felt like he didnt want or love me ... and if he didnt then who ever would? i became very hostile towards my father and, although i wanted to see him, i didnt because i had been told what an awful person he was. To think that one of your own parents hates you can deeply hurt a child, and when I was about 13 I started hurting myself to relieve the emotional pain i was feeling inside. after a while of visiting my dad and his new family and seeing how loving they all were, and at peace with each other, i realized that there was something wrong. my father couldnt be the person my mother described to me, it just wasnt possible. so one summer while i was on vacation with my dad i confronted him with all the things my mother had been saying. He was horrified; and i realized that to put myself back in the position i was in with my mother could completely destroy me. So i decided to move in with my dad. My mother hated me for that, she told me i was being selfish and stupid. Since moving in with my dad i am actually happy ... i was never happy at my mothers house because when she was mad i was the worst child onthe planet, but when i was good i was an angel. It had been a situation i couldnt deal with. but its amazing how much i have changed (for the better) since i have been living with my dad. My mother has turned her family against me which is difficult but i know i have people who love and care about me and i am finally happy.


My Story : When I was 5 and being told that my mother didn't want me...I had no idea that I was being alienated from my mother. All I knew was I loved her and I missed her and she was gone. When I was 6 and told that my daddy was a no good bum and didn't want me...I really had no idea what parental alienation was. When I was 7 and had been adopted and moved far away from my mother, I was told that she doesn't come see you cause she doesn't want you, I had no idea I was being alienated or what it meant. All I knew was I missed her and wanted to see her. When I was 8 and settled into a new life, I really had no idea what had taken place, I just knew that my mother was gone and I thought she didn't love me anymore...after all the people that were taking care of me told me why wouldn't I believe them.

When I was 9 and my adopted daddy was so good to me...I tried real hard not to think about my mother and how much I missed her. I was happy with my new daddy and my grandmother, so I had no idea that alienation had taken place or even what it meant. I just knew that my mother was gone and I had no daddy...and these two people had took me with them...they changed my name and made me call them...Mommie/Momma and Daddy When I was 10 my adopted daddy died...he left me in this world all alone...but I sill had no idea what parental alienation was. All I knew was I was 10 and lost my mother, and now the only daddy I had even known was dead and I was being blamed for it. YES, my grandmother blamed me for his death. She said I took up so much of his time, that I had killed him. Try living with that.

In the beginning When I was 2 my grandfather died and left me with my grandmother. When I was 6 I was adopted by this grandmother and her new husband. So I had a new mommie and daddy. I was forced to call my grandmother mommie, but I refused...the only thing I could muster up to say was momma. The mommie belonged to my mother and even at 6 I could not be forced into calling my grandmother mommie. I received spanking after spanking...trying to make me call her mommie, but I would not, so she finally settled for Momma. When I was 11 I was moved back to the town where my mother lived. I was able to see her once in a while, but it was not easy. My grandmother/momma could not stand for me to call my mother mommie. I got my tail tore up more times than I can court for calling my mother mommie, but I didn't care...I called her mommie anyway and just took the spankings. When I was 15 I ran away from home. I went over 500 miles from where I lived with my grandmother/momma to Georgia which is where I live today.

This story of mine is very painful and has caused my life to be one turmoil after the other, however it has also made me who and what I am. I have lived my whole life trying to figure out what was wrong with me that made my parents not want me, and at the same time try to figure out why my grandmother would steal me from her own daughter. I finally reconnected with my mother and also found my daddy. My daddy was dead when I found him, but I have been to his grave in Kentucky. I stood at the foot of his grave that is marked only by a aluminum marker and has the name Dutton printed on it. I have never felt so lost and empty when I stood at his grave. This man I had looked for my entire life, and I finally found him. He lived in a house of dirt and could not answer my questions. WHY did he not want me, what was so wrong with me that I was not worth fighting for.

My mother on the other hand...we had a very heated life together after we wound up in the same town. I wanted her to feel the pain I had felt all my life. I wanted her to cry and cry and cry...because she didn't understand why she wasn't wanted. I wanted her to know the pain she had caused me. Well, I got the shock of my life...she wanted that too. My mother excepted ALL the bad things I said to her. She agreed that she had done me wrong. She NEVER...not once tried to make excuses for what had happened to me. She was truly a mother to me...she let me get all my anger out and continued to love me...she listened to everything I had to say to and about her...she was more of a mother to me at that time then I had ever had in my whole life.

We had 12 years together before she the young age of 53. We spent many hours telling each other all the things that had taken place in each of our lives when we were apart. I learned that the information I grew up with...was all lies.

I learned how much she loved me and how I was taken from her. I learned how she worked in the fields on a tractor...and how she would look toward the sky and play peep-eye with me...she said she would always see me peeking out from behind a cloud and she would blow me a kiss and tell me how much she loved me...and ask God to please watch over me. My mother called me her little angel behind the clouds...and as part of my story to help others understand what you do to a child when you alienate them from their being...I have written a book about my and my mother's life and how I am reliving the past with my son and his children. I would like for all to know...that on Feb 17, 1983 my mother took her last breath with her head laid on my shoulder and my arms tightly wrapped around her. She brought me into this world and I had prayed for 12 years for God to please allow me to be with her when she had to leave it...he granted that wish to me and her.

May God grant you the same peace that day brought my mother and me...for even though she had to leave me...we were as close as mother and daughter could possibly be...and she left me with a love in my heart and a fight in my gut that I never fully understood until I began to help my son battle the UN-family courts in Georgia and Alabama. NOTHING is more important than family...blood...birthright...NOTHING!

My Story : Are you a child of an alienating parent who now realizes what happened to them? Have you been effected by alienation? Yes, Yes and Then some..... Read my families story here: My mother (as I discover as life goes on) alienated me from my father and has now alienated me from my children. Help.

 I am now 40 years old, but I still can hardly believe that I can have access to my father without the extreme emotional extortion I suffered as a child of divorce. My father was no saint as a husband, but he was a devoted and loving father. He paid all his support even when he couldn't put food on his own table. He took every moment he could with us, though he was a long haul trucker and "home" was a rarety. My mother had custody of us kids. She had many unresolved issues from her own childhood and she carried her grudges around like badges of honor. She asked for the divorce and then was bitter when my father did not fight her. He got the debt, she got the house, the kids, and the "good" car. She got child support and the full mortage payment. Not long after the divorce, my father started dating. Something seemed to snap in her. She seemed to spew more venom than a diamond back rattler.

It became clear that I was expected to join her in her mission to hurt my father, or suffer the consequences of her wrath turned on me instead of him. She used to throw things at him.... and then at any of us who did not agree with her. She beat up my little sister once for asking when Daddy was coming home. I refused to attend my father's wedding, though it broke his heart. I had to stay home and keep my mother from that suicide attempt she always threatened. She had tried suicide 3 times that I know of. I did what I had to to survive in her care. I felt responsible for keeping my siblings safe and going along enough to satisfy Mom. I never stopped loving my father, but I acted abomidibly to him for several years, finally taking a college scholarship clear across the country from my mother and her influence. I was the poster child for fatherless daughters. I drank and smoked and tried a little pot, and was promiscuous and got pregnant out of wedlock -- all before age 18. My grades didn't suffer, but that was because school was my haven from the toxic atmosphere at home. My relationship with my father inproved when my mother died. We have worked hard for many years to undo the damage to our relationship.

My father only recently came to fully understand the mental games and physical abuse I and my siblings went through. It broke his heart all over again, and in so doing, broke mine for what I had put him through by not staying strong against my mother's manipulations. I always thought that my father knew what my mother was doing and that he either would not or could not rescue us from the situation. It left me thinking he was an "ineffective little man". I now know that he did not know, but he insists he could have changed it -- would have changed it -- if he had been told sooner. That knowledge was very healing to me. Alienation is such a powerful tool because of the misinformation given by one parent to persons too young and inexperienced in life to understand that even parents can lie and twist things for their own ends. If you keep the kids from the other parent long enough, the kids begin to believe it is because the other parent does not love them enough to rescue them from the emotional onslaught.

Instead of thriving, they learn to survive. Survival mode is a hard thing to outgrow and it still haunts my responses to the people around me. It has cost me more than one job, and many relationships. I cannot stress enough that Parental Alientation and other conflictive destructive behaviors harm the children more than the other parent. What fit loving parent would want to throw the kids under the revenge train just to derail their Ex? That's right, NONE.

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